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Author Topic: Writing a book ...  (Read 1304 times)

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March 18, 2016, 12:13:51 PM
Hey, I've started writing a book called: Memories Edge and I decided to post a few chapters on here and see if you'll like 'em. :D



Prologue ...


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Chapter 1 ...


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Chapter 2 ...



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This is all I've written so far, all feed back is appreciated very much.
Thanks for reading! ♥


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March 18, 2016, 05:30:33 PM
Reply #1
You definitely have a great eye for imagery, which is awesome. Your dialogue also sounds very naturalistic, although I'd suggest slowing your scenes down a little and giving your characters a bit more time to breathe and interact so we can get to know them better. (Plot is going a bit quick too, it's slightly difficult to keep up as a reader with every event happening one after the other.)

It seems to me like you have a real natural talent for writing, though. Keep it up.
nietzsche was a hack

March 19, 2016, 07:30:28 AM
Reply #2
You definitely have a great eye for imagery, which is awesome. Your dialogue also sounds very naturalistic, although I'd suggest slowing your scenes down a little and giving your characters a bit more time to breathe and interact so we can get to know them better. (Plot is going a bit quick too, it's slightly difficult to keep up as a reader with every event happening one after the other.)

It seems to me like you have a real natural talent for writing, though. Keep it up.



I thought maybe I was missing something, thanks for the feed back I'll try to slow it down.


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March 19, 2016, 04:19:05 PM
Reply #3
Quick question: Why are you writing in present tense? It's not something I see too often.
See the bunny bees and puffs of steam from singing kettles in the trees. Bread and butterflies with fork and knives who like to make a meal of time.
Life is clockwork quick - lightning slow. Faster on your toes, so eat your sugared dream and taste the day before it runs away.
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March 19, 2016, 06:38:11 PM
Reply #4
Quick question: Why are you writing in present tense? It's not something I see too often.


I usually write in present tense because it feels like you're with the character instead of hearing them tell it to you.


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March 19, 2016, 07:52:25 PM
Reply #5

I usually write in present tense because it feels like you're with the character instead of hearing them tell it to you.

The only problem with that, in my opinion, is that it leaves the prose more prone to sounding awkward. That's at least been the case with me.
See the bunny bees and puffs of steam from singing kettles in the trees. Bread and butterflies with fork and knives who like to make a meal of time.
Life is clockwork quick - lightning slow. Faster on your toes, so eat your sugared dream and taste the day before it runs away.
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March 20, 2016, 06:46:14 AM
Reply #6
The only problem with that, in my opinion, is that it leaves the prose more prone to sounding awkward. That's at least been the case with me.


Oh, what makes it sound awkward? I'll be happy to fix it for you.


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March 20, 2016, 07:20:36 AM
Reply #7

Oh, what makes it sound awkward? I'll be happy to fix it for you.

Don't fix anything for me. This is your writing, and I'm just offering my opinion. I just think present tense sounds less natural than past imperfective. I'll give this some deeper thought after I sleep - point out some specific examples.
See the bunny bees and puffs of steam from singing kettles in the trees. Bread and butterflies with fork and knives who like to make a meal of time.
Life is clockwork quick - lightning slow. Faster on your toes, so eat your sugared dream and taste the day before it runs away.
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

March 20, 2016, 08:11:03 AM
Reply #8
Don't fix anything for me. This is your writing, and I'm just offering my opinion. I just think present tense sounds less natural than past imperfective. I'll give this some deeper thought after I sleep - point out some specific examples.

Okay, thanks for the info. :D


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May 15, 2016, 08:08:20 PM
Reply #9
Are you still planning the other chapters... been a while since you posted.

May 19, 2016, 10:30:51 AM
Reply #10
Yes, I've written a few more. :D

I'd also like to add that these are just the start, I have in fact written them out and everything but I'm planning on going back after I've finished the book and rewriting a few things, maybe adding more details, stuff like that.


Chapter 3:

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Chapter 4:

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Chapter 5:

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Chapter 6:


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Chapter 7:


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Chapter 8:

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Chapter 9:

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Chapter 10:

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May 19, 2016, 03:33:56 PM
Reply #11
I'll get to reading them when I have some downtime. but from what I have read you do a great job and hope you succeed in what you so. Just don't forget me okay :D

May 19, 2016, 04:21:39 PM
Reply #12
Lots of very vivid description here :) When I was reading it was just like watching a movie, I felt like I could see everything that was happening very clearly. I also love the relationship between your narrator and Zero, it's very sweet and I'm all for devoted brother-sister relationships, although pretty unhealthy/codependent that she would kill herself on command if he was angry at her (will she grow out of this?).

Your dialogue is still great. Some of it sounds a little dramatic at times but I'd assume that's what you are going for. It seems like writing dialogue is a particular gift of yours, so well done you!

The one suggestion I have at the moment is that your writing can be a bit sparse. We're not really hearing a lot about what the narrator is thinking and feeling with everything that happens; although she's the perspective character, I didn't feel like I could really see into her head very much. Unless she's somebody who immediately says what's on her mind without thinking about it, we should hear a lot more thoughts and feelings from her than dialogue. Additionally, fleshing out the description with some more details will help make the scene feel more real, and can help you subtly communicate characters' emotions without necessarily having to put it into the dialogue (like, let's say the villain says something about pure-blood humans having worth while part-animal humans do not: I saw Zero's ears twitch and his mouth flatten into a line as he glared at the man in front of him, as opposed to "That's so unfair!" snarled Zero. Obviously the dialogue option is fine, but people don't always say exactly what they're thinking or feeling; by going into details of their body language you can communicate to the reader that Zero is angry at being treated like a second-class citizen without having to put it into his speech in a time or place where that wouldn't be practical).
nietzsche was a hack

May 19, 2016, 08:56:20 PM
Reply #13
Wow! Chapter 3 was pretty intense... I love the descriptive detail and over all shock and surprise towards the end. Your use of psychological elements is simply flawless. Can't wait to read chapter 4

May 20, 2016, 07:44:01 AM
Reply #14
Thanks for all the information, as I said before this is just the skeleton of the story and I do plan on adding more of Sam's thoughts in as well as more body language but right now Sam and Zero are still slightly drugged up and their thoughts are jumbled and they do pretty much just say what they're thinking, as for Sam's willingness to die at Zeros command she might grow out of it later on ...


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May 20, 2016, 09:10:53 AM
Reply #15
Thanks for all the information, as I said before this is just the skeleton of the story and I do plan on adding more of Sam's thoughts in as well as more body language but right now Sam and Zero are still slightly drugged up and their thoughts are jumbled and they do pretty much just say what they're thinking, as for Sam's willingness to die at Zeros command she might grow out of it later on ...

Keep at it! I can't wait for the final draft someday.

May 30, 2016, 06:44:20 PM
Reply #16
chapter 10 was like..... I was wide eyed in suspense just waiting for something. That ending was just surprising! is that it or will there be more on the way?